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ISU Daily Desperately Clinging to the Last of Its Readership; Staff Rapidly Defecting

For those who have been following the Authority’s coverage of the decline of journalistic integrity, it may come as no surprise that the ISU Daily has finally reached the end of its tenure as Iowa State’s primary news provider.

Fierce competition, poor grammar, and sans serif fonts have all taken a toll on the paper, resulting in a 98% drop in annual circulation. 

The Daily has tried numerous tactics to retain its readership, including paying students to read articles and writing about things that people care about, like granola bars

 Results from a field study sampling Daily newsstands across campus indicate that the total circulation of the publication is somewhere around 23 copies per day for the entire campus. This figure includes papers that fell on the floor and those that were taken accidentally by people who thought they were reading a real newspaper.

As the last remaining vestiges of the organization’s dignity dry up, the staff of the Daily have quietly started to leave. At present, the paper’s staff is just two people, one of whom is a janitor and the other is missing and presumed dead. 

This presents a big problem for the Wintersteen Administration, which has been using the Daily as a propaganda tool. With its primary mouthpiece now underwater, the administration is scrambling to find new routes to the hearts and minds of its subjects. 

Where the Daily will go from here is yet to be determined. However, sources tell the Authority that nobody really cares.

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