MCKAY LAWN- The Albino Squirrel has long represented good luck on Iowa State’s campus. However, it seems the squirrel leads students to a treasure that it itself cannot possess. Because despite its best efforts, the Albino Squirrel has yet to obtain a degree at the university it loves so dearly. This is further evidence of the Wintersteen Administration’s steel grip on every inch of Iowa State. With support for the administration dwindling every day, officials are clearly clinging to any remotely popular being that has the ability to ignite affection in the hearts of the very students the administration oppresses.
But what exactly is preventing the Albino Squirrel from graduating with a degree in Marketing from the highly-esteemed Ivy College of Business? It certainly can’t be the difficulty of the course of study. No, what keeps the Albino Squirrel chained to a life of inflated rent and overpriced meal swipes is something that has struck fear into the hearts of many students: Library 160. Upon investigation, this reporter found that despite the fact that the squirrel has received a passing grade on all tests and assignments in Lib160 for twenty straight semesters, it has still been given a grade of “incomplete”. When reached for statement, the Wintersteen Head of Propaganda, Hezekiah Blackburn, gave the following message:
“Library 160 is meant to prepare students for the hazarding task of searching shelves for reading material. There are several physical requirements for this task that some students lack, namely opposable thumbs and a height of more than six inches off the ground.”
Discrimination? You tell us. This reporter asked several students on campus to weigh in on the controversial manner.
“That’s what you get when you spend all your time playing with your nuts instead of going to class,” stated Elroy Leroy, a graduate student in Chemistry.
“Well maybe if he didn’t hibernate all through fall semester he would actually earn some credits,” added Garcia Garzon, a junior in Artistic Mechanics.
Said Kevin Crane, an open-option senior, “This is definitive proof that white privilege is a myth.”
In a stroke of luck, the Squirrel was spotted while our reporter was on the scene. When asked to comment, the White Squirrel was quoted as saying “REEEE REEE REEEEEEEE” and then scrambling up a tree with a Library 160 study guide.
Unfortunately for the White Squirrel, the Library 160 syllabus is literally carved into stone, making it next to impossible to request an exemption from the physical requirements of the course. The only course of action for the poor rodent is either a federal pardon, or a new administration at Iowa State. Both options look to be equally difficult to obtain. If you, the dear reader, want to express your sympathies to your fellow student, the White Squirrel, you can leave a pile of nuts on the McKay lawn or a DVD copy of the 2009 cinematic masterpiece, G-Force. It’s his favorite movie.