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ISU’s Beloved Hero, Pam Cain, Admits to Faking ISU Class Cancellation Email

Pam Cain, the ISU administrator who sent the mass email proclaiming the cancellation of classes, has admitted to faking the email in hopes of forcing the administration’s hand in cancelling class. Although her tactic worked, Ms. Cain has since changed her tone. Ms. Cain appeared on a live broadcast from the presidential office and stated:

“I would like to apologize to Iowa State for lying, and I now realize the error in my actions.”

She was then led off-screen by several armed Parking Division Stormtroopers. President Wintersteen next took the opportunity to address the student body, and she made it clear that there would be consequences for Ms. Cain’s actions.

“Listen here, you little mongrels. You might have gotten out of class on Wednesday, but it will be the last time that ever happens. If I had it my way, we wouldn’t stop for anything, least of all snow. So if I hear one more whiny little brat moaning about frostbite or hypothermia, I will personally deliver them to the Parking Division for re-education.”

Student reaction to this pronouncement has been relatively muted, possibly due to the one protest rally scheduled after the announcement resulting in 4 hospitalizations due to various forms of frostbite.

The Authority has compiled the following list of ways to stay warm as you trudge to class this week; we hope you will find it useful.

  • Use the steam tunnels to your advantage
  • Tauntauns (cut open for warmth)
  • Build a Canadian wall (insulated)
  • Open all the residence hall windows in order to heat campus (steam is basically just water, so it’s free)
  • Burn Engineering 160 textbooks for warmth

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