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ISU Parking division begins new “Death Pit” initiative

In a move to increase efficiency, the ISU Parking division has recently begun construction on several “Death Pits” beneath commonly ticketed parking spaces. Featuring large concealed doors that can rapidly open upon detecting an illegally parked vehicle, the new pits would allow the department to instantly deliver justice. The pits are the newest development of the ongoing militarization initiative within the division.

Driven by new “ticket quotas” handed down by the Winterstein Administration, the Parking Division has recently begun ticketing not only cars, but bicycles, pedestrians, service dogs, and storm drains that infringe upon regulated parking spaces. Although the new methods bring the division’s numbers within the quotas, they also place a serious strain on parking enforcers.

“My job used to be so easy” says Martin Mooner, a veteran Parking Division enforcer. “Now every time a plastic bag blows down Lincoln Way, we have to ticket it 8-9 times as it goes through each parking space.”

The pits are expected to change this by bypassing the ticketing process entirely. We asked the division administrator in charge of the program, Bonnie Clemens, about the project.

“Now all you have to do is just push a button and boom. Problem solved. We expect the pits to not only make enforcement easier on our workforce but also to deter criminals from illegally parking in the first place. It’s a win-win!”

It is not all smiles on campus though. Last week several UN inspectors visited the prototype being tested by the parking division to investigate activists’ claims of a violation of the Geneva Convention’s Protocols I-IV, which prohibit crimes against civilians during armed conflict.

“If we ever want to win the War Against Illegal Parking, we need to take drastic action.” says Ms. Celmens. “The people of Ames need to learn that the Parking Division will not back down, no matter the cost.”

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