As most ISU Students are aware by now, Iowa State is once again under assault. Following an email sent to every student regarding a survey, students’ inboxes began filling with messages from every idiot with a laptop and an inflated enough ego to presume that anyone would think that they were being funny. In less than an hour, no fewer than 12 individuals had responded to the original message, sending an estimated total of 400,000 unsolicited emails to every enrolled student at Iowa State University.
Luckily, the Wintersteen Administration has been quick to respond to the menace. “If every person has to take 3 seconds to delete each of these messages, that is nearly 400 hours of students’ time that has been wasted. Nobody wants to receive these emails, and nobody thinks they are funny. It is time we take action.” said Wintersteen.
President Wintersteen has issued a statement that any student who responds to the message shall be immediately expelled, without the opportunity to appeal the decision. Critics of the President have been largely silent following the announcement, speaking volumes about the vast popularity of the decision. A snap poll of the student body concurs with this assessment, stating the 99.99% of the student body supports the president’s decision, and 93% favor some sort of criminal penalty as well.