President Wendy Winterstein, speaking via pre recorded video from an undisclosed location, issued a statement this Thursday granting the ISU Parking Division the ability to form heavily armed, rapid-response “Strike Squads”.
According to the prepared statement read by Winterstein, these paramilitary units would be used for the express purpose of “Providing rapid and overwhelming force to the Parking Division for enforcing ISU parking regulations, keeping both students and faculty safe from parking policy violations.”
The newly formed 25-member squads would include several large pieces of equipment, including armored vehicles, automatic and semi-automatic weapons, body armor, several GPS-Guided rocket artillery pieces, and 3 military helicopters equipped with laser guided surface to air missiles as well as air-to-air strike capabilities.
The new equipment would be paid for with an expected bump in ticketing, which is estimated at 1,324% of the department’s current yearly revenue, or almost 578 million dollars.
Critics of the President’s announcement have been quick to point out the lack of accountability that the Parking Division has shown in the past when using new equipment. Various reports have surfaced regarding newly purchased Parking Division vehicles careening down sidewalks in pursuit of parking violators. The department has since released a statement saying that it will do everything in its power to avoid such chases by simply vaporizing anyone that tries to park in front of Oak-Elm ever again